Protected: Knowing my place

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August 16, 1977

So I told myself I wouldn’t comment on the anniversary of Elvis’ death. Those who know me are more than aware of my fondness for the man and his many accomplishments. I just figured I’d let the day pass, I’m really not very sentimental.

Then I saw a post on Facebook from my favourite radio station. The photo used was decidedly unflattering and there was a line about celebrating with a fried banana and peanut butter sandwich. Now, I know the remark was completely in jest. I know it was all in good fun.

But.

What I’ve never understood is the immediate jump to ‘fat Elvis’ jokes. What is seldom recognized is his true accomplishments. The man was a force in popular music from 1954 to his death in 1977. What seems to be the focus, however, is the last 18 months of his life when addiction grabbed hold of him.

Elvis Presley’s contribution to music and popular culture as a whole is to immense to be summarized here. To his detractors I can only say “what you listen to today would never exist if it weren’t for Elvis”.

Elvis was just a man. A simple, flawed, imperfect man. Is it fair to concentrate on his failings? I don’t think so. I think the fair thing to do is knock him off of the pedestal some fans have him on, pick him up from the gutter some detractors have him in and just remember Elvis for his merits.

Elvis changed popular music forever. He starred in 33 less than stellar films. He made an incredible comeback. He had an unprecedented satellite broadcast concert from Hawaii. Elvis died from a drug overdose.

As a man who enjoys Elvis’ music and concerts, I just think a few less jabs at him and a little more appreciation is in order.

Thank you, thank you very much….

Dear Mom..

Dear Mom,

So, you’re gone. We both know it. One of us feels it everyday.

I’m finally speaking to someone about those ‘feelings’ I never admitted I have. Uh, wow….. Not something I’d recommend to anyone who thinks secrets are good. Ok, ok, YEA, I am stalling.

It’s just I have an overwhelming sense of loss in my soul I seem to be trying to mask. I know I did the right thing by helping you pass, I knew you were suffering. Mom, intellectually I know I made all the right decisions, I had your best interests in mind. I must say, knowing doesn’t make it any easier.

Mom, we were best friends. You moved into my home, we helped each other. I relied on you for more than a grown man should have. I enabled you more than a son should have. Did we put the ‘function’ in ‘dysfunction’? I don’t think so, I just think we thought we were helping each other.

When you passed, I know it was your time. God couldn’t give you the life you deserved, so He took you home. I am at peace with this. It’s just the everyday things I miss. We spoke everyday of my life. You always seemed to have the answers, if I wanted them or not. Mom, you were always ‘there’. And now you’re not.

I’m done dwelling on your passing, no longer willing to feel sorry for myself because I miss my Mommy. I am trying to honour your memory by becoming better than I was. I am sober again, I’m rebuilding the life I lost. I am becoming the son you deserved.

Mom, this letter is just to let you know I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The fog is clearing. I have people around me who I love and who care for me. My past, horrific, actions no longer carry the weight they once did. It would seem I’m being accepted.

This letter, Mom, is a tribute to you. And, Mom, it’s an attempt to accept myself for who I was, who I can be and who you wanted me to be.

I grieve you, I miss you, but Mom I no longer dwell on your loss.

Love, brad

When?

I’m trying to be more aware of my thoughts and feelings. Trying to be more ‘present’ in my own life. I feel I need to acknowledge how my ‘internal fog’ can impact others.

What I’m noticing in this process is anger is my ‘go to’ emotion. It’s always there, just seething ever so quietly in the back of my mind. I struggle to keep it at bay, masking it with bad jokes and false smiles. Sometimes I succeed, often I fail miserably.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not always on a slow burn. I’m experiencing more true laughs & real joy now than I can ever remember. Part of this is due to the fact I don’t constantly have a vodka bottle in my hand, part because I’m more vigilant and mostly because I’m in a much better life. I have people I genuinely care about and, surprisingly, they care for me.

But it’s always there.

I would really like to know when it started. When I started becoming a negative, angry person. It’s been a long time, baby. I’ve allowed it to push away a lot of people. People who wanted to care for me, but from whom I withdrew.

I have had great moments in my life. Happy moments, profound moments. I’ve known successes and I acknowledge them. I’ve had material objects and really enjoyed them. I’ve known amazing women and never deserved them. And I’ve known anger and never understood why.

As I look in the mirror all I see is the permanent scowl I wear. It’s been said I resemble Hugh Laurie in his ‘Dr. House’ character. It’s true, the damn character seems miserable all the time too! I’ve often thought of writing the creators of the show asking for my royalty cheques….

I digress.

I’ve never understood the anger. I know I don’t like it. I know I have no idea when it started. I know I’m ready to let go of it. It’s been a part of me so very long. But it’s not a comfortable part. It’s been an ugly part of me I can no longer tolerate.

Maybe knowing when it started isn’t as important as knowing I want it gone. The problem is I don’t know how to let it go. I don’t think I’m consciously hanging on to it, but I don’t know the procedure to eliminate it. I really don’t want it to affect the people I love.

Maybe, as in many other parts of life, acceptance is the key. If I accept I have this anger and continue to be aware I want to release it, I have the chance to change it. By knowing this anger does not have to control me I have the opportunity to not let it affect those around me.

With each step I take away from this beast I take one more closer to a more positive place. The greatest gift I can give myself is awareness. I can acknowledge I have this anger, I don’t have to let it consume me. It doesn’t have to be my ‘go to’. It no longer has to define my actions and reactions.

By being willing to let it go, it’s a far far better thing than I’ve ever done. I just may become deserving of the people I love and who love me.