When will I learn?

When will I learn?

Be positive, accept my blessings, give gratitude to my higher everyday and the life will work out.

When will I learn?

Have a great new home with an amazing, loving lady. A fresh start for us all.

When will I learn?

Good job, great future, great kids, one helluva mutt. It’s all coming together.

When will I learn?

Got let go today for “lack of work”.

Now I’ve learned.

Every time my life takes an unprecedented turn for the positive something always hammers me back down. I truly believe it’s karma forcing me to pay a penance for my past horrific life. A life I changed years ago, but may still affect others. It’s now a time to take stock.

A time to build up defences dropped long ago. A time to protect those I love from my bad karma. If I and my new family are to flourish I will have to adopt some of my former self-preservation skills.

Oh, I’ll find a new job and be grateful for it. I’ll put money in our bank and food on our table, I’m certain. But I’ll never be at ease with it.

I will never forget the feeling of today, the feeling of having no value to an employer. I’ll never forget the feeling of yesterday, of feeling valued or more accurately, mocked by an employer.

My biggest failure was letting my guard down, letting myself believe everything was going to be grand.

I let myself believe the universe doesn’t have a memory.

I forgot Karma’s a bitch.

New beginnings

A new year, a new home, a new start. So many fresh beginnings. So many blessings. I am such a lucky and grateful man.

It’s the “hangers on” that get to me. The last anchors of a less than exemplary past. I have to complete an ordeal that began, what seems to be, a lifetime ago. I was very much in the wrong and must face the consequences.

But I was a much different man then. I was living a different existence. I was not me. Or at least not who I have become. I guess it’s a matter of “cleaning up the wreckage of the past”.

I have recently been witness to people with great gifts and grand humility. Inspirational people who are genuinely humble, grateful people. People who would be called “good, kind and nice”. Words never associated with me.

They are public people who have shared their struggles to educate others. Friends who take the time to read a text or respond to a daft ‘Facebook’ comment. People willing to share and listen.

I am striving to become similar. I have seen darkness I wouldn’t wish upon an enemy. I have seen light so wonderful it seemed unreal. I wish to share acceptance and joy. I am becoming better by modelling those who inspire me.

I have one last demon to put behind me, and I will, then it’s clear sailing. (To many metaphors in one sentence?). I am ready to move forward, to become better.

I am ready to be who I was born to be.