Boundaries

Boundaries have always been an issue for me. Not encroaching on other people’s, but allowing others to cross mine.

Saying “no” has always been difficult for me. Whether it be to an employer, parent, friend, family member or spouse, I’ve just never been able to say “no” and let it stick. Even if I manage to get the word out, I often feel guilty and change to “yes, I’ll be glad to”.

There are times when “no” is not an option despite ones feeling regarding the task. That’s understandable. We all do lots of things we don’t want to. That’s part of living in a society.

But, there are times when “no” should be a definate option. When safety is an issue, when it’s a matter of conscience or ethics, when one’s “personal space” is being affected.

For me, it’s the “personal space”. I rarely say “no” to an employer. Whether it’s stay late, go in early, go in on my day off or all of the above, I just don’t say “no”. The issue becomes one of resentment. I agree to do something I really don’t want to and try to justify it in my mind, but become almost instantly resentful. Not just of the person whom I’ve agreed to assist, but of myself for not being stronger.

Invariably I come to terms with the distasteful task at hand, realizing there is little option, except for me to accomplish it. But I become terribly resentful, disgusted and furious with myself. I spent years running and working for a delivery service owned by a former spouse. I hated every second of it. I worked all day at a garage I ran and drove until midnight.

On call 7 days a week.

Angry every second of it.

I’m trying to live my life with as few resentments as possible. Trying to be angry and irritable as little as possible. I have some issues in life I must deal with, employer issues, work condition issues. I have to be able to start saying “no” when required.

I have to accept my mental condition reflects on my family life. Resentment impacts my addiction issues. Anger and irritability make me unpleasant to be around.

Self care begins with a certain amount of selfishness. Just enough to know when too much is being asked of me. To know my limits and my limitations.

To understand “No” can be a sentence on it’s own.

Love being tough

I live in a new city to me, a nice one, a lovely one, but new nonetheless. I like to learn my surroundings, as my unfortunate mates will attest. In London during my youth I can recant more than one occasion of being chased off a rooftop down town at night by some upset party goers.

Yeah, stupid fun I’d ground my step kids til eternity for, but I learned my way. Found my feet as it were.

Now I find myself looking around corners, taking an extra half second before I step forth. It’s a different world.

No.

It’s the same world.

The danger is just more evident, more pronounced.

More real.

Not for me, mind you. I’m old, big, and have a natural scowl that scares a nun from a dove.

My kids, though. We’ve moved to a ‘nice’ neighbourhood, enrolled both kids in ‘nice’ schools. All’s well, all’s as it should be.

But, my lady’s oldest has to start riding a city bus to and from school, and, at 13 he’s about 10. No street smarts at all. All I can teach him is “walk slow, talk slow, don’t say much” (the John Wayne way I learned). He won’t consider karate for a year. He won’t let me teach him some defence.

I have to rely on his good sense to keep his ass out of trouble, how he’ll avoid problems. I trust him. I believe him.

The rest of the world, not so much.

I respect the boy’s point of view, but I’ll never stop protecting him.

Even from himself.

Dreams

So, this is interesting.

A person I follow on Facebook often puts forth inspirational posts. Tidbits of his personal life he is generous enough to share hoping to help one think better of ones circumstance. Very admirable and (again) generous due to his celebrity.

The other day this fellow shared his gratitude for his successes in the entertainment industry. He ended his statement with “What are your dreams?”.

My immediate response was “I’ve never had any”.

I’ve given that some thought. I’m not so sure how untrue that statement was. I am certain it is quite poignant. Dreams suggest ambitions beyond ones station (in my interpretation). Extravagant goals not expected of one.

I’ve had a very real understanding of where I came from and where my gifts and abilities could lead me. I’ve known my weaknesses and undervalued my gifts. I feel I know exactly how far I can go in this life.

The sad part, now that I consider it further, is I’ve limited myself and my new family considerably. By allowing myself to become the sum of my experiences I’ve become complacent and “un” ambitious. My lady wants to go to Las Vegas, I’ve said ‘I can’t go’. We’ve discussed a cruise and me, well I’ve said ‘I can never afford that’.

Mr. Negative, Mr. Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.

Mr. Low self esteem.

Before we carry on, this is not a ‘poor me’ post.

By recognizing these characteristics there is a chance I can make an effort to change. I can not only appreciate the blessings I have in my home, my lady, my family, my mutt but my, no… our future. Once I put the negativity from my past I can bring positivity and light to our future.

Dreams are funny. Sometimes you have to endure the long dark ones until you can experience the joy of a happy new one.

Thanks in no small part to Kevin Porter… The best Batman.