Screams

So, I’ve shared about the voices I hear. 

The voices that try to control me.

This lead to a massively uncomfortable conversation with Kim about how bad things can get. I expected as much.

I did not anticipate the voices’ reaction. They have redoubled their efforts. They scream in my head.

They scream awful things I’m supposed to accept.

How do I share this? 

How do I tell her?

My job as a man is to protect the ones I love. Ensure their safety. 

How do I protect them from my own self loathing?

The answer is “I don’t”…

I can be honest about the terror and agony I feel every second of every day, but I cannot hide it.

I cannot protect her from this.

I need to accept I cannot control these episodes I go through,  I cannot hide them from my family any longer. 

A man accepts responsibility for his actions, I must hold myself accountable for my mental health issue.

I must be better…..

Voices

Voices…………

Damn they’re loud. They scream, they long to be acknowledged. They lie.

They say things. They say you’re not worthy, they say you’re useless. They say… They say…

My doctors told me the voices aren’t real: take these pills, you’ll be fine. I eat their candy, I live their life, but the voices keep coming back.

I’m a family man, have the world’s greatest woman……ever. My lady’s kids adore me, as do I them (Lisa Brandt tell me if that’s wrong grammatically). I love my life. I have a job, I have amazing coworkers.

I’m blessed.

I’m cursed.

I wake up everyday and I tell Kim I love her & I go on my way. Then it starts. At the coffee shop, under the hood of the first car, or in the mirror of the shop bathroom….

“Who are you? You miserable prick, why do you live???”

And so on into the night. Every day.

Every

Day

Who do you tell?

Whom do you confess to?

You don’t , you live each day as you’re supposed to. You don’t tell.

You pretend you’re strong.

You muffle the voices.

Like a man.