Failing

I’m failing. Badly.

Failing.

As a spouse I’m crap. My lady deserves someone attentive, courteous and kind. I am a shadow of these.

As a step dad, I have expectations the Lord Jesus couldn’t possibly live up to. I give orders without direction. I ask without giving. I expect the kids to live up to things I barely could.

I have two jobs.

One I excell at and could never let the employer down. 

One I struggle with daily. I vomit every single day before attend this job. 

Every. Single. Day.

As a family member I’m trash.

I have an aunt I cherish, a cousin who I would aspire to emulate.

Do I call?

Do I make an effort?

No.

No I do not.

I’m a selfish hunk of unloveable trash. I know, I tell myself every day.

Failing.

Who knows? By admitting it, maybe I’m starting to succeed.

Maybe.

Trust

Trust is one of those things that should be easy to define, quantify and understand. It’s one of those things you know when you have or don’t, can give or take away.

Or have stolen.

In 99% of my life I’m a trustworthy and pretty honest guy. Ask me to do something and, if it’s in my power, it will get done. I think I’m more than ‘cash register’ honest and don’t often go out of my way to hurt people.

But.

But tell me I cannot do something and I become petulant and selfish like no one you’ve ever met. And that hurts people. 

People I care for more than life itself.

I’ll tell you I would do anything in the world for my lady. And I would.

Except for the one thing she insists upon. 

And I don’t know why.
She is not an unreasonable person and her request is quite simple, yet it’s one I routinely fail at. Oh, there are long periods where I don’t let her down, where I can justify her trust in me. But, then there’s the fail. 

I don’t for the life of me know why. I can’t predict when it will happen. I just know it will hurt both of us deeply.

It hurts her because once again I’ve proven I can’t be trusted. And it hurts me for the same reason.

When will I grow up? Be the man she needs? 

When will I be worthy of her trust?