How long will it take?
How long before my thoughts become permanently clear? How long until the doubts disappear?
I recognize I have used, no, abused this forum to exorcise my past demons. I acknowledge reading about the toll of my illness gets tiresome. I realize I should come up with fresh material.
Then it comes back.
The doubts, the shame, the remorse and the regret. The loathing is the worst. The self hate. The feeling of knowing I’m not good enough comes screaming back faster than I can imagine.
I have a good life.
I have a job, I have a few bucks.
I have a woman I adore and who actually loves me. My lady’s kids may as well be mine. They love me almost as much as I care for them. Digger, the mutt? Well, he’s Digger the mutt.
I have so many blessings I cannot count. I have a few friends, I can make people chuckle. I can make people feel valued.
I’m told I’m not a bad guy.
But.
When will it end? I take the meds. I see the counsellors. I attend the meetings. I do many of the ‘right’ things. But, I get so very tired of being second best, if only in my own mind. I get really tired of despising the face in the mirror. Of being such a disappointment to myself and my family.
I have just read the previous paragraphs. “I”, “I”, “I”…. Wow, how selfish could this be?
Usually at this point in a blog I’ve turned a corner, found the moral and summed up. This time, I’ve noticed how selfish and self centered this has come across. How absolutely……… How very whiny I seem.
I guess I had to see it for myself. At this point, maybe it’s time to “suck it up, buttercup” and move on. Time to cowboy up and be a man. To reclaim my mantle as a ‘tough guy’.
John Wayne and Elvis never would have spent as much time whining about these things. Maybe it’s time I just got tough again. Things were much less confusing when I was tougher.
Maybe I’ll just take the opportunity to be thankful for all I have and stop bitching about what I’ll never be.